cliffjumping makes you happy

12:14 pm: Nothin much...
I was aware that July 4 was considered a national holiday, but July 5? Meh.

Well, the rest of us anyway are working both the 4th and 5th and 6th and so on. Who are these people who get weekends and holidays off? I'd like to meet some of them. Probably the same ones who have benefits.

Some day, some day. When I'm worth more to my millionaire employers. For now, making several hundred thousand dollars in reservations a year, and personally taking care of all their guests isn't worth much. (A co-worker who recently left the hotel, after 5 years and no raises, told me her proudest moment at her new job was filling out the forms which gave her son health insurance.) There is *one* benefit to my job - I can stay at any Ramada for $30 a night. That is, when I can afford to take a vacation...

Going to see Fahrenheit 9/11 on thursday with big sis, big sis' boy, my hubby, my twin sis and twin sis' ultra conservative hubby. Should be interesting!

07:16 pm: All Heart...
Today didn't start out all that interesting. I worked until 2:30pm...tomorrow I work at 6am. It will be the first time I'm all by myself at work (hahaha we'll see how that goes).

Gracie and I went for a lovely, lovely hike today. On the way down to Potter's Falls she was so excited she made me roll my ankle, which gives one the feeling that you are either about to die from a fall or snap your foot off your leg. Either way, it wasn't a very pleasant feeling. Luckily for both of us it stopped hurting after the initial acrobatic feat it took to stay upright, and resulted in me finding an interesting fossil.

We got down to Potter's Falls and waded across the stream, and did a little climbing to get to the base of the falls. (Gracie is remarkably agile, and can jump over fallen trees and is a great rock climber.) As I was blissfully regarding nature's splendor, Gracie got a running start and launched herself into the churning water at the base of the falls. She was attached to the flexi-lead still, so she swam in a great arc as far as it would allow her to go (this just after she had gone under water once or twice) and when she tried to scramble back up the rock she launched from, she couldn't do it. As I leaned down to grab her collar and pluck her out of the water I said something to the effect of "more heart than brain, eh girl?". I like her philosophy.

12:15 am: can't sleep can't sleep can't sleep
tonight as i was walking into a big-box supermarket downtown, a blue heron flew off the roof and over the parking lot. the two women walking in front of me didn't even see it. i don't think anyone saw it but me. i couldn't help but wonder what the poor thing was doing up there. i mean, this is a bird you usually find in shallow water in creeks. i decided it was probably thinking to itself:

"hey, where the fuck is the wetland that used to be here?"

tonight i watched an interesting documentary called "war photographer". it follows this apparently famous war photographer around on his assignments. in addition to this movie, i picked-up "mother night". that would be the first vonnegut book i ever read, and despite what the dvd cover says about it being "the best film made in decades" or whatever, i'm doubting it will come even close to doing vonnegut any justice. "player piano" was the second (by the way, reading "player piano" and "brave new world" at the same time? not a good idea - it not only confuses you but makes you incredibly paranoid). oh yeah, so movies. i am beginning to think that altay and i are drawing parallel, if not identical, conclusions regarding whether the other of us should be allowed to go to the movie store alone. he inevitably comes back with at least one action flick which i inevitably refuse to watch, plus some crap i would not even use to prop the window open with. (which is not to say he has bad taste in movies all together, it's just that lately his track record is a little spotty. i blame forced unemployment and "battlefield vietnam".) meanwhile, i inevitably pick the most depressing (but well made!) pieces of film to roll off the line. among my recent choices: "monster", "osama", "1984", and "in this world".

well, it's not the emotional effect i'm after, it's the content. hopefully someday i can aptly explain this to my husband, who i think is suspecting pure masochism.

12:05 am: Hmm...
Well, I decided I'm not happy with the overly pessimistic post from before (seconds before haha) and would also like to add that :

Today I saw an old beagle sleeping in the sunshine, pressed up against the inside of a store window on the commons. The folds on her back and ears were at 90 degree angles, which is an effect I bet would be hard for her to attain otherwise.

11:56 pm: Me + Ramada = Summer of My Discontent
Stupid Ramada. Stupid front desk. Stupid people with attitudes, money, and a sense of self-entitlement both to my ego and everything else. Stupid way those stupid people have of making me feel like complete dog shit. A microscopic piece of dog shit.

I try not to think about how last summer I spent whimsically running / swimming through the gorges...sleeping as late as I wanted and getting up um, whenever and driving to the nearest gorge to find a high place to jump off and a warm rock to sunbathe on. I mean - every day. I was surrounded by beauty all day and then happily (ok, well maybe not quite like skipping) went to work at the Chappy. Well, I *try* not to think about it. This is not even a "grass is greener" issue. This is a "horrible desolate nuclear winter" type place vs. "grass is green". Ya know? It is a horrible job, with horrible people, with no prospects or hope for advancement...and no benefits of course - which keeps me from my home, my new hubby, and my lovely lovely dog. Mmph.

Eventually, I will get over this awful job. And I will stop bitching about it in my livejournal. That time is not now. That time is right around the time I am able to find another job and have the luxury of being able to look for a different one.

Aside from stupid Ramada...eh. Nothing much...INS forms galore, reading "A Tale of Two Cities", and contending with a dog intent on gnawing my rocking chair to bits.

Plus, I'm trying to convince Altay that we desperately need a kitten.

11:30 pm: h-e-double-hockey-sticks
what a horrible day. my coworkers have really bad attitudes. this puts me into a bad mood. then i also have to deal with just about every asshole in the county coming into my hotel. plus the bitchy lifeguard. i think a grassroots movement should be started whereby patrons call other patrons on their bullshit when they are harassing underpaid, no-benefits earning, exploited workers. i don't make enough money to support myself (let alone both myself and my husband), and on top of that indignity, i can't go to the doctor's or the dentist because i am not worth benefits, and on top of that indignity, i am consistently talked to by patrons (in very agressive manners one might note) in a way which pushes me so far below them I fell like i'm in a hole looking up. everything in my work life is structured to inform and reassure me that yes, i am a meaningless component of the machine, and yes, i am expendable, and yes, i am not "as good" or "important" as my patrons.

after a day like that, it is such a relief to come home to my loving little family...altay relaxing in the livingroom, and gracie so excited at my return that she explodes into action and gets a running start before slamming into me in her playfulness. this is what i put up with all that for - but we deserve much more than not quite survival.

be kind to people who are in positions of serving you...

12:57 pm: Muh Weddin'
Wow, this weekend was pretty crazy. I got two whole days off of work, and spent them running all over the county (and beyond) preparing for the wedding and getting married.

Saturday started by raining just long enough to give me a minor heart attack, then the clouds cleared and the sky turned a perfect clear blue. All the ladies came to my house to get ready, while Altay and Matt were apparently watching some lame action movie before the 5 minutes it took them to get fully dressed. I had to get ready in a matter of an hour total, thanks to my sisters, their long hair, and their long showers. But, lucky for me, I don't take long to get ready. A few minutes spent with Michelle placing around 8,000 bobby pins in my head, followed by my Mom supergluing (it sure felt like it) my veil to my scalp - and voila! it's time to get married.

Mom drives down to Ithaca Falls, making me nervous the entire way ... all I could think of was how I couldn't wait to see Altay. I was worried for him (he was trying to conceal that he was freaking out that morning), and just wanted to give him a great big kiss. I met the judge - she's weird, but she'll do. We head down to the falls, and after a *very short* ceremony (which nobody could hear over the waterfalls haahha) we're married.

"Do you feel any different now that you're married?"
"No, I just feel hungry."

I was starving to death but we had to get through the 600 picture takings before we could get to the reception. I'm glad the feelings of being deliriously happy kept me from thinking about food *too much* ...

On to the reception where I am surrounded by people I love. Food came together thanks to Mom and Tammy losing their minds the day before...Dad, of course got too much beer and was doing a good job of putting a big dent in it all by himself hahaha. After a while, it's time to start the bonfire and the boys feel the need to cut down an entire tree to fuel it. The lumber project takes a good 40 minutes to complete, but in the end the tree fell squarely on the bonfire pit. Handy. As the party goes on, the bonfire grows in height *and* length.

All together it was fun. I am glad I was able to keep everything as simple as possible...I am amazed when I get to use phrases like "my husband" or "I would, but I would like to get home to my husband". Yesterday I got to sign my new name for the first time - Bridgette Heath-Isigan. Eventually my family will figure out how to spell it...

Time for work...

04:46 pm: Saving Local "Wildlife"
For about 6 months I've shared my porch with what I thought was a single rat. Yesterday, the rats informed me (by way of two of them scampering across my doorstep) that they were in fact plural. They are really big, a constant nuisance (they have torn my garbage apart a million times) and yesterday I decided that I would have to give in and trap them, because they are causing so much trouble. Well, let me say that I am glad I am a procrastinator, because when I got home from my errands (during which I forgot the traps) I saw what I thought was a little rat head sticking out of their burrow hole. I picked up a handful of pebbles, threw it at the "rat head" to scare it away but not hurt it. It was at this point that I saw what it really was - a baby rat, which somehow found its way out of their little home and was utterly confused. I picked it up, took it into my house (which is strange because this is precisely what I've been trying to keep out of the house for months), and thought about what to do. The little thing clung desperately to anything warm, and actually curled up in my hand and wrapped its little rat hands around my fingers. It was obviously very young, had no fear of people, let alone was it aware that it could have been eaten at any moment by the many, many birds outside my house. In the end, I talked to Little Rat for a while, asked it to please tell its parents to stop tearing my garbage apart, and found the entrance to their underground nest. It crawled inside probably not to be seen again until it's old enough to rip apart the garbage. Glad I could help. I've never been one to kill spiders or anything else in my house (we have a relocation policy if they are in the way hehe)- this will teach me not to second guess my beliefs in the future.

Today Altay and I also got our wedding rings! It was so much fun. They are only substitute rings until our "real" ones arrive from Turkey (via a neighbor who happens to be flying to the U.S. - you aren't allowed to ship gold out of Turkey). Altay and I are so in love with them and the idea they symbolize that we are already wearing them. HAHAHA. I am so excited for this weekend. !!!!

09:06 pm: Boys Regarding Their Toys...
My Altay cherishes his computer. (Gamers like Altay often exhibit similar signs of computer obsession including insomnia, bad posture, and social aversion.) His giant Gamer Geek computer is taking up 75 percent of my desk. Our desk. The desk. I'm not "allowed" (I say it with quotes because if I wanted to, I would but out of respect I don't.) to install AIM on his computer. More than one messenger program will bog it down. Allegedly. Oh GOD! You won't be able to see someone's head be blown to pieces as quickly as possible? Call the fucking National Guard!

Mmph. My 4 year old nephew exhibited similar behavior today with a fishing pole. Coincidence?

So, work. It's interesting. I think it is safe to say that I've gotten over the feeling-overwhelmed-and-wanting-to-cry-every-moment period. I work at the Front Desk, and aside from the total lack of alchohol (obviously) it's not too much different from bartending in terms of where your head space is when you are working. Fifty things going on at once, and you are expected by everyone to know not only your job, but the jobs of others and every detail of running the joint that there is to know. And all the other people who work at the same joint and what their extensions are. Yeah, that small percentage of dickwads that I dealt with at the Chapter House? They make up almost our entire clientelle. It's .... interesting. I think though, that I really do like this job so far. When I do know what I'm doing (which, granted is pretty rare), I have a great time with it. My experience bartending taught me a lot of pertinent information...and gave me a lot of patience (though, thankfully most of our people checking in aren't drunk, belligerent, or trying to get laid ahahaha). Bottom line - at first it was really insane and I thought I would leave right away, but now I really like it and think I will be there for a long time despite the shitty pay. I also like that you never know what you are going to help someone with. Could be checking in, driving directions, a ride to the airport, help with luggage, info about Ithaca in general...today I fixed some guys cell phone. Front desk people are the do-it-all, do-it-yourself people. I like that...

Tomorrow Matt (twin sister's husband) is taking Altay out to drown him in alchohol in celebration of Altay getting married soon. They're taking a ton of Matt's friends and possibly my brother (dear god please no, he will punish Altay by way of shots, etc). All I had to say was good luck. Bri and I are staying home and watching movies.

11:51 pm: Interesting Day...
Today I got up at 4:30 am. (First, let me say that I am amazed I was actually *able* to get up at 4:30am, even on 3 hours sleep.) I let my dog out, was amazed by how pretty out it is at that hour...I heard the rooster down the road crow. I don't know the last time I heard a rooster crow. Up until today I always thought that pre-8am hours were really depressing. Nobody is happy prior to 8am, no way. Everyone is miserable and wishing they were in bed. Right?

No way - there were all these people out doin their own thing. People on their way to work who took their motorcycles to commute (I couldn't help thinking about what a cool thing that must be to do for yourself. No, I think I'll leave the Taurus in the driveway - I think I'd like to feel the wind in my hair while the sun rises. Awesome.) I saw a construction worker affixing a cross-walk to the road with a *giant blowtorch*. Then, I saw the little vehicle they use to paint lines on the road...

I finally got on the road to New York, and on my way up 79 I was greeted by one of the most spectacular sunsets - ever. The fog was hanging around, but just enough to make everything pretty and misty in that Neverending Story kind of way.

Not even an hour from Ithaca I saw a black bear dead on the side of the road. (Yes, it is unfortunate that my closest and firstencounter with such an amazing animal has anything to do with road kill.) I'm like - black bears? Since when? And cool. I know that one's dead, but I bet there are others that aren't...

Then I made it all the way to (lame ass) Roslyn Harbor without getting lost *even once*. By myself. I learned a trick to solo interstate navigation - wear your glasses. I got to the country club, picked up the hottest guy in the universe (aka my soon-to-be Altay :)), and we headed back for home.

On top of all that, I think I set a world record for driving the longest period of time (almost 13 hours total) in one day on the least amount of sleep. (Silly Hayatim doesn't have his damn license yet and I was too paranoid to let him drive.)

Tomorrow I start working at Ramada. Front desk. Eh. Don't come visit me, for the love of God. You will spare me the embarrassment of displaying my polyester vest (*not* a cool one) whilst making $crap per hour. Ha.

As of midnight - 11 days until I get married!

I'm exhausted...but I have a really nifty sunburn on precisely one half of my body. But, I like sunburns. I like the way the sun feels when it's beating down on my skin, exciting all the molecules. I like the semi-painful tingle later that night of the sun trying to come back out of my skin. Reminds me of when I used to spend the whole day in my neighbors pool. The WHOLE day. (I actually remember eating lunch in the pool a couple times haha.)

06:39 pm: Huh.
When I woke up this morning, I laid in bed for a good 15 minutes thinking before it even occurred to me to get out of bed. Then when the thought did occur to me, I thought it was a strange thought. Huh.

Well, tonight I'm going to *try* to go to bed SUPER EARLY ...because I am getting up at 4:30 in the morning so I can leave the house by 5am - to go get my love in Long Island! Yayyyyyy! That will be great! Wish me luck on the George Washington Bridge (it was pretty sketchy last time). If I make wicked time I'll get to New York by 9 30ish and smothering my love with kisses by 10! I am so excited! Life is good, life is good...

But the sucky thing is I start work Tuesday morning, so I'll get to spend like zero time with Altay before that. Grrrrr always something. Oh well, at least he'll be at my house. Wait - OUR house. Whoa, cool.

10:40 pm: Wedding Fun Stuff...
Last night my sister and I did invitations for my wedding - it was fun! And they look great. I also had Altay translate the invitation into Turkish to send to his family eventhough they can't come. I am getting so excited! 16 days to go!

Aaaand monday I am picking up my beloved in Long Island and bringing him back home - for good! I am at the moment more excited about that than I am about the wedding, hahahaa. It will be sooooooo nice to have him home. I really don't know how people deal with long distances between them and their significant others for extended periods of time. Like military spouses who don't see their wives or husbands for two years or somethign crazy like that. That's crazy! I think it should be outlawed, hahaha. Or we could just do away with war, that would be better!

This time in my life is really crazy and interesting and scary all at once. It is like...hmm, well, I'm getting married. I'm a bona fide grown-up (but don't tell my dad that, he seems to be under the impression that I'm 8 years old), and I'm starting to think about things a little differently....The last um, I suppose 6 years or so I've spent partying and being wildy irresponsible are currently being viewed with an evolving perspective. Not that I can't have fun or be wild just because I'm getting married, but it's a milestone and it changes the way you look at things...like, am I too old to have a livejournal? haha

Anyway. All is well.

02:40 pm: Feelin' Good Feelin' Good
Today, despite the fact that my dog shit in my car TWICE hahahaha, I'm feeling pretty good because I GOT A JOB! Yayyyyyy! I'll be working at the Ramada Inn front desk. It pays for crap but at least I got a job! Cool!

01:13 am: Drinking tea now...
Ok, I'm feeling more relaxed now. It took a bit of talking down from my Mom, who is very good for these things as well as a lot of "don't worry it will work out"s. For the past several weeks I've been trying to remind myself that I should not write e-mails (mostly directed to Altay or my Mom) while agitated and stressed-out. Perhaps I should include livejournal entries in that attempted ban.

I can't sleep, sleep is impossible for me lately. Some further causes of this will be learned by some of you in 18 short days.

Oh yeah....

I'm gettin married in 18 days!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, Gracie keeps coming out of my bedroom, wagging her tail and giving me that "um, wasn't it time for bed like 3 hours ago?" look. Guess that means I should be sleeping.

07:11 pm: Stressed right the fuck out...
Where's the invitations? Are you making invitations? What is everybody going to eat? What are they going to drink? Where is the after party? Is there an after party? Do you have a job yet? When are you getting Altay? What do you have to do for the citizenship stuff? When are you getting paperwork for the citizenship stuff? Did you find an apartment yet? Where are you going to live in a month and a half when your lease runs out? How much money do you have?

My simple little wedding is turning into a big deal. Eventhough I didn't want it to be a big deal - people! gather! watch me get hitched! There! I have no job and no money at all for anything but some rent and food, let alone fucking wedding invitations that I didn't plan to have in the first place. Oh, you're supposed to send them a month a head of time? I DON'T CARE! If they can't make it, so what. The only people that HAVE to be there are me, Altay, and the judge. I'm broke and I'm doing my best on this thing, and I purposefully made it simple. S-i-m-p-l-e. I cannot do all this and look for a job - it's impossible. I woke up this morning in a near panic attack thinking over and over again about how I don't have a place to live in a month, how we don't have the money for the place to live, how we can't stay with anyone else (like family) because a) they will drive me crazy and b) I have Gracie. And forget the citizenship stuff, at this point I'm so stressed out about everything else my brain pushed it right out my ear. If I could just get a freakin job things would be a lot better. Not easier, by any means, but at least I would feel like I was contributing something aside from anxiety. We are broke, very very broke.

01:42 pm: Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!!
Gracie and I just got back from a glorious hike in Six Mile ... on the way back I saw no less than a group of twenty five or so smaller birds chasing away a large hawk. All these little birds (by the calls I'm guessing two or three different species) were making a huge racous and I continued to hear them chasing this large bird down the gorge for several minutes. It was cool.

I think I'm headed over to my Dad's now...time for NASCAR and potato salad. And a little laundry.

07:17 pm: YAY!

You have a free soul! As all the souls go, yours is
the most free-spirited and adventurous. You
like camping, hiking, or interaction with other
people. Your a social butterfly, but not
because of your style, but because of your
willingness to communicate with everyone. You
probably have close friends who can rely on you
because you always seem to know whats going on
in the world. You love music and are
free-spirited and someone fun to be around. A
born leader and great explorer-dont ever
change-the world needs more people like you.


What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

07:12 pm: Ah, Life...
It is interesting to see how life changes the way you think about things. I've decided to apply to the Nursing program at TC3. Hopefully, they will let me in for the fall semester - though my sis says the likelihood of that is slim. No matter, I'll be taking the courses for the program in the fall anyway. When they do get room in the program, I'm in. The more I think about it - the more it makes sense. I can take care of people, change the world, not to mention work for Nurses Without Borders and other humanitarian causes...it's right up my alley. I am loving the idea.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

I am losing my mind trying to understand all this stuff with the INS. It is a huge understatement to say that there is too much information out there, poorly organized, and with some blood-sucking scammers thrown into the mix for fun. It has been really difficult to figure out exactly what Altay and I need to do ... what we need is a lawyer, but there is no way for us to afford that. In the meantime, I lose my mind just trying to come up with a place to start. Ugh. The pages I've read claim that marrying a citizen is the easiest way for somebody to become one themselves - if that's true, I'd hate to see what else they put people through. After we are married, Altay and I have to put up with interviews with INS people asking personal things about our life so that they can make sure we are marrying for love (ha! but some recent news may make it apparent to them that we are not only marrying for citizenship), plus close to 1,000 dollars in fees for applications....and about three heart attacks worth of stress in the meantime for us.

Deeeeeep breath.................

Okies! Time for pasta!

12:13 am: Feeling Very Lucky...
iwannabechomsky: seni seviyorum!!
altayselimisigan: i love you tooo
iwannabechomsky: i will
altayselimisigan: bende seni seviyorum hayatim
iwannabechomsky: sleep well...i'll be dreaming of you
altayselimisigan: hayati-sebebim!!!!
altayselimisigan: so go and find it
iwannabechomsky: what's that?
altayselimisigan: my reason to live

when you learn turkish this way, it's hard to forget.

10:43 pm: Yay for pictures!
My very incomplete, somewhat repetitive album...

http://www.picturetrail.com/iheartaltay